The Savvy Networker

So, what do you do?

"So, what do you do?"  Many think that this is a "cliche" type of question.  Kind of like when you ask someone, "How are you?"  You may or may not really want to know, you are just being polite.

A lot of people dread being asked, "So, what do you do?"  Partially because they haven't really figured out how to answer that question but also because they've been asked that question a thousand times and know that most people don't truly listen to the answer.

I want to change all that.  How about if we stop asking each other the lame questions and let's start asking meaningful and engaging questions.  Here are some questions that come to mind:

• What's the most exciting thing that happened in your business this past week?
• What's the most recent business book you've read and what did you like most about it?
• What's an emerging trend in your industry?
• If you were to describe your favorite customer to me what would you say?
• What other networking groups are you involved with?  Which are your favorites? Why?
• What changes in technology do you see yourself implementing in the next 6 months?
• Knowing what you know now, what would you have done differently a year ago that would have had a major impact on your business?

And then there is always my favorite question from Bob Burg, author of Endless Referrals, "How will I know when I meet someone if they would be a good referral for you?"

Try one of these questions out (or create your own) the next time you are tempted to ask someone, "So, what do you do?" 

I'm convinced you'll have a better conversation and you'll both come away having learned a lot more than you expect!

Small Talk vs. Big Talk

I'm really tired of people talking about small talk.  I don't usually rant ... today this is a rant.

Small talk is exactly that.  It is small.  It appears to be engaging.  But it isn't.  I think small talk is lazy thinking in process.

Small talk is usually about the weather... or traffic ... or your favorite (or not so favorite) local sports team.  Small talk is also usually all about OJ Simpson's latest bad press moment or some other silly nonsense that does nothing to help you learn anything at all about the person that you are talking with.

Could we all just agree to have ONE day without small talk?

How about if we engaged in BIG talk?

What is BIG talk?

Big talk is when you ask someone questions that show that you are interested in the "big picture" for them.  When you are interested in learning about someone ... you simply want to know more about what makes them tick, what is important to them, what is it that ultimately makes their heart "sing."

The keys to BIG talk are 2 fold.

First, you must ask engaging questions.  Like, "Jane, tell me, what is the one thing you like most about _________?" (fill in the blank with whatever it is that Jane does.)  Or, when John tells you he does Pet Portraits, you can ask "That's interesting, John, what is the most challenging portrait you've ever taken?"

These kind of questions usually get "BIG" responses because the person you are talking to can tell that you are interested in knowing more about them than the average networking encounter.

And, you can keep that conversation going for as long as you want by simply saying things like, "really? Tell me more" or "wow, can you explain that further?"

The second key to Big Talk success is to listen more and talk less.

That's right.  Big Talk only works if you listen to the answers.

If you interrupt, interject, or finish someone's sentences for them - you may as well be engaged in small talk because you will have created a disconnect with your non-listening actions.

Aside from your smile, the greatest gift that you can give easily to another person is to listen and hear what they are saying.  When you do this, you have emotionally engaged the other person and you are fast on your way to the liking part of the knowing, liking, and trusting phases of networking.

One last tip.  No one-upping!  If you have asked someone a question and they are telling you a fabulous story and they are feeling really good about themselves in the moment, the quickest way to blow the glow is to one-up the person with your own self patting on the back.

Save it for another time.  Or call your mom after the event and let her pat you on the back.  Be the bigger person and let your new friend have the spotlight.  They'll remember you always as the person who cared enough to ask BIG questions and even more importantly - that you listened!

No Wallflowers Here

Over in the corner.  By the potted plant.  Hiding in plain sight.   What we have here, is a "wallflower" in our midst. 

When I talk with people about the "wallflower" syndrome, I almost always get nods of recognition.  Nearly everyone admits to feeling, at some point in time, that they would like to just fade in to the wallpaper and disappear rather than strike up a conversation with new people at an event. 

I'm always curious about this.  And lately, I've been asking questions about what triggers this behavior in people.  The answer that comes back again and again is: shyness.  Another response is, "I never know what to say".  While many more folks admit to being overly self conscious.  And, I think it most likely is a combination of all 3. 

The funny thing about this is these really shy people have made it to an event.  They came.  They showed up.  And bravo for them because the #1 most important thing about networking is "showing up".  And then, their fear takes hold of them and they realize that they are exposed and some mechanism kicks in which causes them to try to become invisible.  They become one with the wallpaper - hence the term "wallflower".

Really shy people can help themselves most by taking several steps to decrease their level of anxiety.  Here are some ideas that I'd like to share with any "wallflower don't wanna be's anymore".

1. Have a plan in mind for each event you attend.  That means have a goal.  What do you want to achieve at each event?  Do you want to meet someone in particular?  Are you looking for someone who can help you find a resource?  Are you interested in learning about a special subject?  When you have a goal and a purpose, you will be less focused on yourself.
2. Practice a 15, 30, and 60 second introduction for yourself.  And, I do mean practice.  There are resources online to help with this.  There are specialists who can drill it down to the most basic for you.  Google the term "elevator speech" and you'll have plenty of places to learn from.  When you have a good elevator speech, you'll feel confident that you'll know how to answer the dreaded question, "So, what do you do?"
3. Practice asking thoughtful questions.  When you focus on the other person, it's pretty hard to be self conscious!  Ask the "ex" questions: example, explain, expand.  Here.  You could say something like this, "That was interesting, could you explain what you mean in more detail?" Or, "I've never thought of it that way, could you expand on how that works?"   These kind of questions draw the other person out into a deeper conversation.  Just remember to ALWAYS listen for the answer ... there is nothing more impolite than asking a question and then not listening.
4. Practice your exit lines.  Shy people are often unsure of how to gracefully end a conversation. So make your life easier and have a few "pat" exit lines ready for when you need them.  A good one is to simply say, "Thank you for your time, I've enjoyed chatting with you.  There are a few other people that I promised to visit with so I'm going to let you go now.  We'll chat again another time."  ... and off you go. 
5. Be aware of other "wallflowers" in the room and go into "rescue" mode.  Nothing takes your mind off of yourself faster than helping another person.  Go over and introduce yourself.  Practice the above items and get into a conversation.  Then practice your exit line...and go find another person to talk to.  You could even back track to the first person and bring them over to introduce them to the next person.  Now you are in "host" mode and look at how much you are enjoying yourself!

These few pointers will get you started on the road to being comfortable with being VISIBLE at events.  It really is about getting comfortable in your own skin.  Practice may not make perfect but it will ease a shy person's way ... so step away from the wall ... smile, and have some fun.