The problem with expectations

Last night, I was reading the March issue of O Magazine when I came across this idea from Rudy Rasmus, "I believe expectations are premeditated resentment."  (There was more to the quote.  He was answering a person's question and if you want to see the whole story... go to page 66 of the March Issue of O Magazine.)

Wow, what a concept.  That really got me to thinking about the issue of expectations.  Do we set ourselves up to resent others when they don't live up to what we expect?  Who owns the expectation?  And then who owns the resentment?  It is amazing to me how we often get in the way of our own best intentions. 

For myself, I'm thinking about how many times I have been disappointed when my expectations have not been met ... but then, I'm also looking at have I expressed my desires in a way that would give the other party fair warning of what I wanted?

With Networking being all about building relationships, I'm thinking that I'm going to have to be more aware of the role I play in setting up premeditated resentments.

This is definitely one of those things that has made me go, "hmmmm."

How about you?  I would love to hear your thoughts around this.

Comments

[LIEvans]

Excellent food for thought, Zita. A great deal of the "suffering" in my life (whether mine or witnessing others') can be traced back to "expectations". We aren't fully present if we're pinning so much hope on outcomes, are we?

[Zita Gustin]

Leslie,

Thank you for your post. You are so right. It is about being fully present. When we are fully present we can only experience what is happening right now without past hurts or future wants. You hit it right on the head!

[Working Girl]

That IS interesting. I guess there is a difference between expectations we have of ourselves and expectations we have of others.

I believe we should have high expectations of ourselves.

With other people--that's a different story. I believe that the fairest and kindest policy is never to expect more of person than that person is capable of delivering. It's not always easy! And if we ARE in a position to expect performance from others (if we are a teacher or parent, for example), then we need to (1) make our expectations clear, and (2) give that person what he or she needs to meet those expectations.

Have I strayed off topic? I agree that "expectations" and "disappointment" often travel together. What's more, we don't always know what our expectations are, of ourselves or of others. That's the worst! Unmet unconscious expectations are the source of much unhappiness (that's actually a quote from my book--I wrote a whole chapter on expectations...!).

Thanks for this post, Zita. Good food for thought.

[Zita Gustin]

Hi Working Girl,

Thank you for your thoughtful post! Yes, I agree, we should all hold high expectations for ourselves. And, I also agree with what you have to say about how we moderate our expectations to others.

I'm very much looking forward to reading your book and I thank you for your time spent here!

[Barbara J Mackie]

I agree with Working Girl, not to expect more from someone than they are capable of giving. But we are our own measuring stick when it comes to our expectations and that's not easy to change. Most of us have grown up with "Do unto others...", creating a sense of similarity that carries through to expecting what we are capable of giving.

[Zita Gustin]

Barbara, Thank you for your reply. I had not thought of it that way ... but you are right, many of us are conditioned to think that way. It reminds me of something I read in one of Dr. Wayne Dyer's books that goes like this, "We judge ourselves on our intentions but we judge others on their actions."

Thank you for stopping by!